


god only knows what i'd be without you

by squishyniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beards (Relationships), Bottom Louis, Boyfriends, Break Up, Evil management, Heartbreak, M/M, Mild Smut, Post-Break Up, Sassy Louis, Top Harry, dont know why it is top harry i dont know what happened there, louis' normally bottom usually though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 04:37:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3474686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishyniall/pseuds/squishyniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the one where louis and harry break up and louis' broken without him  </p><p> (or another cliché short story where management and eleanor and grimmy get in between their relationship)</p>
            </blockquote>





	god only knows what i'd be without you

**Author's Note:**

> so this is one of my favourite things that i'd written and i first had it up on wattpad as a short story three chapters kinda thing but it was really meant to be a one-shot so that's what i've gone for here. 
> 
> why does every larry thing i write have so much angst in it???? 
> 
> enioy x
> 
>  
> 
> (Quick updated note... I've got so many more kudos on this story than I ever thought and I'm so so happy about it thank you so much (!!!) but just as a warning, some of the comments are reeeeeally not happy about the ending and I perfectly understand so if I get time I may try and change it, so just a heads up if you're reading it for the first time YES I am aware the ending isn't perfect and YES I will change it when i have time)

♣☼♣

Louis didn't mean to let it happen. It just had, it was out of his control.

Harry knew that he didn't love Eleanor. He knew it meant nothing. It was management - stupid, horrible, selfish management - who had created the whole tangled web of lies in the first place, claiming that Harry and Louis couldn't be together in public, it would cause too many problems, would cause a drop in sales, would lose the band fans. And Louis and Harry couldn't do that to the other boys.

They discussed it in a long, late-night conversation, the light from the moon casting shadows of their intertwined bodies on the wall as they whispered to each other between kisses and eventually came to the decision that they should agree with management, go along with plan no matter how twisted it was because they couldn't let their own relationship interfere with the success of the band, couldn't do that to Liam and Zayn and Niall.

So the plan was set in motion. Louis was to be set up with a girl, Eleanor. He was to pretend they were madly in love and that he thought she was the most beautiful person on the earth. And yeah, he guessed she was beautiful, with her slim figure and her shiny hair and her nice smile. But to Louis, beautiful was more about a mop of wild, untameable curls and deep green eyes and a goofy bark of laughter. Nobody could compare to Harry in Louis' books.

For Harry, he was going to continue with the already accepted media perception of him being a womaniser. He was set up with Taylor Swift the previous New Year, Kendall Jenner the most recent one.

Louis pretended not to mind. Because after all, he probably had it the best out of the both of them. He only had to put up with Harry's fake girlfriends who lasted a month at most, whereas Harry had had to put up with Eleanor for two years. So yeah, he didn't really have the right to grumble.

But either way, it was definitely wearing the two boys down. As much as they pretended it didn't, pretended that everything was jolly, the stress of seeing each other with other people, holding hands and going on dates, it hurt. Of course they knew it was fake, knew that the only person they loved was each other, but it still really really hurt.

♣☼♣

The morning before it happened, Louis and Harry were lying in bed in their house (well, for the public's sake, Harry's house,) legs tangled in the soft, white sheets and breathing heavy. Louis was smiling softly, remembering the way Harry had looked so perfect, so angelic as he hovered above him and came undone only moments ago, his eyes screwed shut and his sweaty skin glistening in the morning sun.

"I love you so much, Lou," Harry had whispered, rolling onto his side to press soft kisses to Louis' bare shoulder. "Love you, love you, love you."

"Leave me alone, Mr Cheese." Louis pretended to shove Harry away, but he was laughing quietly so Harry knew that he didn't mean it. Louis secretly loved Harry's endless compliments, his corny remarks, the quiet flirting as if he was meeting Louis for the first time and trying to make a good impression, even thoughke knew full well Louis' heart was already his.

"Mmm, I'm never gunna leave you alone," Harry mumbled, his tongue now lapping at the soft skin on Louis' upper arm like a kitten lapping up milk.

"What are you even doing?!" Louis said, scrunching up his nose in disgust and moving his arm away as he realised that Harry was licking him.

"You taste good, kay?"

If it was anyone else, Louis would have made a sassy remark, told them to piss off and stop bloody licking him. But this was his Harry, his Harry who was looking up at him through his annoyingly long eyelashes, his lips in an almost-pout and Louis couldn't resist, just muttered a quiet, "kay", before leaning down and brushing their lips together.

After another ten minutes of lazy kisses, Louis forced himself out of bed, firstly trying to cover his modesty up in the sheet but Harry yanked it away, mumbling something about wanting 'to see what is mine'.

"Why are you leaving me, Louuuu?" Harry whined. He seemed to be in one of those needy moods, Louis noted. Normally when his boyfriend was in a mood like this, Louis was happy to go back to bed and spend the whole day cuddling and watching soppy movies and reminding him how much he loved him.

But today, Louis couldn't. "Meeting with management, then dinner date with Eleanor," he sighed.

Louis felt Harry's scowl before he saw it.

"Baby, don't do this to me," Louis frowned, turning round to see Harry's signature I-hate-that-girl face. "You know I wouldn't be going if I didn't have to."

Harry, obviously sulking, rolled onto the side so he was facing away from Louis and buried his face in his pillow, mumbing something that sounded supciously like "well maybe you don't have to".

"What are you talking about, 'I don't have to'?" Louis asked, his good mood from being woken up with a blow job quickly disappearing. He had been so stressed recently, they both had, so forgive him if he was feeling a bit argumentative.

"Doesn't matter," Harry said a bit louder, but Louis refused to let it go. He knew if he just left it alone then it would most likely fester between them until the tension built up and it ended with a massive shouting match. As much as Louis enjoyed the make-up sex, he would rather avoid that right now.

"Haz," Louis sighed (felt like he had been doing that a lot lately), pulling on some boxers before moving over to perch back on the bed. He placed his hand on Harry's shoulder and gently rolled the tall boy over so he was facing him. But to his utter surprise, Harry's eyes were red-rimmed and his cheeks were adorned with silent tears.

"Baby," Louis gasped, reaching over to brush some hair out of Harry's eyes. "Baby, don't cry. Oh my god, don't cry."

Harry sat up from his lying position, shuffled closer to Louis, and then the normally composed boy just broke down, letting his head drop to Louis' shoulder as he began to cry openly, sniffles reaching Louis' ears as he felt his bare skin become wet with tears.

Louis wrapped his arms around the younger boy, stroking gentle circles in his back and trailing his fingertips up and down Harry's spine.

"It'll be okay," Louis cooed into Harry's ear, pressing a kiss to his temple. "It'll all be okay."

Eventually Louis felt the trembling of Harry's body subside and a sheepish-looking face looked up at him.

"Sorry," Harry sniffled, wiping his nose with the back of his hand in a way that should have been disgusting but to Louis was just awfully endearing, as if he needed another indication of just how far gone he was for this boy.

"No need to apologise," Louis promised, sealing it with a kiss to Harry's nose, tasting the salt of his tears. "Now, c'mon, tell me what's really bothering you."

Harry looked down at the floor, unwilling to look into Louis' eyes. "I just..." He spoke quietly, his voice raspy from crying. "It's just getting too much, Lou. I hate having to hide who I am because a group of old men claim it's not right to reveal it to the public. I hate lying to our fans, making them seem like they're crazy with all this Larry shit when actually they have it pretty much spot on. I hate not being able to hold your hand in public when I need your comfort. I hate having to go out and pretend to have fun with these brats when all I want is to be snuggled in bed with you. And I hate seeing you with Eleanor!" His voice had gradually increased in volume, until he was basically shouting. "I hate it, Lou!"

"Baby." Louis leaned his forehead against Harry's, his heart breaking at the curly-haired boy's speech. "Baby, I'm so sorry."

"S'okay," Harry mumbled, his sweet breath fanning over Louis' mouth and tempting him but he guessed it wasn't the right moment to engage in a snog so Louis refrained himself from pressing his lips to Harry's, even as irresistible as they looked.

"What do you want to do?" Louis asked, pushing Harry back a bit so he could get a good look at his face. "Do you want us to stop this? Go to management and argue about it again? Because we can Harry, you know we can. But every single time we do we come back to the conclusion that this is the right thing. So, what do you want to do?"

Harry shrugged, his eyes dropping to stare at the floor. "I don't know, Lou... I just don't know."

He sounded completely and utterly defeated. And Louis hated it. Where was the bubbly, cheeky, flirty Harry that he loved? He had seemed so beaten down recently, and Louis couldn't stand it.

Louis leaned forward to peck the tip of Harry's nose again. The younger boy hated it, always said that his nose was so big it could class as a small country but Louis disagreed. Every single part of Harry was perfect to him.

"I have a meeting with management at one, I'll talk to them, find out what they wanted to see me about. And then I'll be home about nine," he refrained from directly mentioning Eleanor again since he knew how badly it wound Harry up, "and we can cuddle up and have a chat about it all, kay?"

Harry nodded, but it was dejected and his green eyes were dull. Perhaps that was the thing that scared Louis the most, why he kept glancing back at Harry whilst he got dressed and did his hair.

"God, that smells so good." Louis praised, walking into the kitchen where Harry was now making pancakes. His shirtless boyfriend allowed a little smile to grace his lips but Louis knew it was forced - it didn't quite reach his eyes, the signature sparkle nowhere to be found. "Be back later, okay? Why don't you ring Zayn, see if he wants to come round?"

"Okay," Harry agreed, glancing to his phone that was on the counter. "Yeah, maybe I will. Have fun, Lou."

Louis let out a bitter chuckle. "I won't."

"I know," Harry laughed then, and Louis had never been so grateful to see those enormous dimples in his life.

"I love you so much," Louis said sincerely. But of course this was Louis; staying serious for long wasn't one of his fortes. "Even if you do smell."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Get gone, Tommo. I love you, too."

Louis blew a kiss at Harry, then turned around and grabbed his keys. Maybe if he had known that that might be the last time he would hear Harry say those three words, he would have paid more attention.

♣☼♣

"Another year?" Louis growled, his tone verging on menacing. Not that he cared. In his opinion, these bastards deserved it.

"It's only twelve months," one of the men rolled his eyes, as if Louis was a child who were being unreasonable.

"Twelve months of pretending, twelve months of lying!" Louis yelled, flinging his arms up in frustration. "Do you not care what this is doing to my relationship with my actual partner? I can't do it for another year; I won't!"

"Then we drop you from our label," another one of the men deadpanned, shrugging his shoulders like what he had said was oh-so-casual.

Louis gawked. Before now, the other option had always been to let the boys do what they wanted, to come out, but to 'prepare to ruin your other bandmates' futures'. But now the threat was to be dropped?! He couldn't... He couldn't believe it.

"I... y-you can't -" Louis stuttered, his mouth opening and closing. It might have been comical at any other time, how much it looked like he was imitating a fish.

"We can do what we wish," the first man said, shrugging like he didn't just threaten to ruin Louis' whole life either way. "Now, go have fun with your little girlfriend, okay? She's waiting in the lobby."

♣☼♣

Louis couldn't wait to go home and see Harry. He had been forced to walk around the centre of London, hand in hand with Eleanor, for the past two hours whilst she browsed shops and picked out skirts. Normally, Louis would have taken the opportunity to buy some new clothes himself, maybe a new beanie or a pair of new jeans for Harry because God knows he needed some, but today he just couldn't concentrate.

To Harry:

You okay? Shopping in the city, anything you want?xoxox

Louis waited ten minutes or so and when he didn't get a reply back he reluctantly pocketed his phone again, thinking that Harry must be busy with Zayn. They were probably playing Fifa and getting high if Harry was still feeling upset.

When Louis finally did get a reply, it was bland and to the point. No kisses too, Louis mentally noted.

From Harry:

Fine. I'm with Zayn. What did management want?

Louis didn't really want to tell him, would have preferred to let him know the bad news whilst he was feeding him chocolate buttons under a blanket in front of the fire.

To Harry:

Just some stuff about Eleanor. Will tell you later.xxxxxxx

But Harry's next reply wasn't any better.

From Harry:

No, tell me now. I want to know.

Louis had to stop texting Harry for a few minutes then, as a few fans spotted him and he posed for photos, with and without Eleanor. The girls gushed over his fake girlfriend as if she was so wonderful, one of them even told Louis 'don't let her go'. Louis winced because it sounded so much like the song Harry and Sam McCarthy had written for Louis himself, but he smiled at the fan anyway, making a point of not agreeing.

It wasn't until Louis and Eleanor had fought through the paparazzi and gotten settled in a busy restaurant that he got a chance to text Harry back.

To Harry:

It was about plans for extending my time with Eleanor... I will talk to you about it later I promise, just don't worry about it now. xxxxxx

Harry didn't text back at all this time, and it was making Louis anxious. He knew his boyfriend was probably letting this information eat him alive and he felt terrible knowing that he was the cause. Well, really it was management's fault but he felt horribly guilty all the same. Harry didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve any of it. Even seeing Harry with Taylor Swift last year in New York, even if it was only a couple of days, a few photos, each one had felt like a stab in the heart. But unlike him, Harry had had to put up with this for over two whole years, with hundreds of photos and lies and even to the point of pretend kisses. So he didn't blame Harry for being pissed off. He just wished that he didn't have to be.

"You seem really out of it today Louis," Eleanor remarked from her place sitting opposite him. She reached out to place her hand over his on top of the table, and Louis knew that there were still paps outside, most likely taking photos of their 'lovey moment'. Louis actually had nothing against Eleanor; she was a nice girl, and he was pretty sure if things hadn't been so strained between him and Harry purely because of her then they could have been good friends. But... yeah, they just weren't. So Louis didn't really feel like pouring out his heart.

"Just got some stuff going on I guess," Louis shrugged, saved by the bell, or in this case the ringtone as his phone started ringing loudly. He blushed when other people in the restaurant turned around to stare, but forgot all about his momentary embarrassment when he realised it was Zayn's face on the screen.

"Excuse me a second," he mumbled to Eleanor, before rushing off to the bathroom. He opted for the disabled one since he could lock it and no one else could get in. Once the door was shut, he swiped his thumb over the screen to answer the call and took a seat on the closed toilet lid.

"Lou-eh?" Zayn's distinct accent came through the receiver, and normally Louis would have at least greeted him but he had a bad feeling in his gut, like something was wrong and he just couldn't bear not knowing.

"Is everything okay? Are you with Harry?" Louis blurted immediately.

"Lou, can you get home?" Zayn asked, sounding calm. But Louis knew not to take that as a sign that everything was fine - despite what the situation was Zayn would always be calm and collected, it was just how he was.

"Why?" Louis pushed, running his hands through his hair. He felt the nerves in his stomach start to twist and turn like they were worms and he suddenly wished he hadn't just eaten that pasta.

"Harry... He's not taking it all well. Worse than usual."

That was all Zayn needed to say. Harry always ran to Zayn with his problems and Louis knew that he must be properly upset if Zayn couldn't calm him down.

"I'll leave right now."

"Okay, we're at mine but I'm going to drive him back to yours. See you in a bit, mate. Bye," Zayn said, hanging up.

Louis told Eleanor that he wasn't feeling well and needed to get home, immediately. Frustratingly, she insisted on coming with him, claiming the rumours would be too much to handle if he just left her stranded at a restaurant with no way to get home. So Louis dragged her out the door as fast as her legs would go and raced home, tapping his fingers absentmindedly on the steering wheel as he waited inpatiently at red lights and give-way lines.

But after what felt like a lifetime, he was pulling into the drive and Harry's Range Rover wasn't back so Louis knew they mustn't have arrived yet.

"Come inside and I'll call you a cab," Louis offered as politely as he could as he led the way to the front door, stepping his way into the dark house. The silence unnerved him a bit; he was so used to Harry always being there, singing loudly as he cooked or walking around naked because... Well, because he could.

"Louis, what is going on?" Eleanor questioned as she followed Louis into the hall.

"Nothin'," he muttered, really not wanting to discuss it with her. Not only that, but he knew it would piss Harry off if he involved her even more, too.

Eleanor, as dainty as she was, let out a loud snort. "Right," she said sarcastically. "I'm totally going ot believe that nothing's wrong when you practically stormed out of a restaurant to come home, even though there's no one here."

Louis tried to ignore her, to keep his mouth shut, but he was so wound up thinking about how Harry must be feeling that he whirled around and pointed his finger in her face, quite aggressively, too.

"Stay out of it, El. I'm warning you, please don't push it."

To her credit, she didn't flinch at his angry tone. She even had the guts to walk up to Louis who, trying to control his frustrations at the pushy girl, took a step back for each one she took forward. But after a few steps he felt the hard wall pushing up against his back and cursed himself in his head, shouting about what a fucking idiot he was for not just leaving her at the restaurant.

"C'mon Lou," she almost-purred, her little body pushing forwards so it was almost against Louis'.

"Eleanor, back off," Louis said, but his voice was a bit weak, since he was so confused about why he suddenly had a girl rubbing up along his body. Her scent was overwhelming, her perfume flowery. He supposed that it might not be so bad if he was into that kind of thing, but honestly he was more into the smell of muskiness and cologne and... well, man.

"It's Harry isn't it?" Eleanor said, running her hands up Louis' biceps. He had to suppress a shudder. "I don't know why you put up with him, you'd be much better off if you got rid."

A sudden flare of anger surged through Louis, like his veins were full of petrol and he had just been set alight. "Don't you dare talk about him like tha -"

But before he could finish, before he could really lay into Eleanor for saying a bad word about his Harry, he was cut off by the feeling of unfamiliar lips against his own, moving them, trying to make him cooperate.

His eyes, which must have closed on instinct, flashed open and he pushed Eleanor away with force, not caring that she was small or a girl or whatever he just needed her the hell away from him.

"What the fuck?!" He yelled, loud enough that he probably could have been heard from outside. But that was not the most important sound in that moment.

Louis thought his heart was about to shatter when he heard a little whimper come from his left, from the direction of the kitchen.

His head snapped to the side and he saw Harry stood there, his face completely disbelieving as his bottom lip trembled and his eyes began to water.

Louis had to take a moment to think about how ridiculously like a movie this was; his boyfriend coming home to find him kissing a girl. He was broke out of his reverie by Harry's voice which, to his credit, was surprisingly calm.

"Get out."

Eleanor didn't need to be told twice, her steps pattering against the wood as she looked down at the floor, leaving the house.

"Harry - " Louis started as soon as the front door slammed shut. But his boyfriend just held up a finger, halting Louis.

"Just - Just give me a minute," Harry forced out through gritted teeth, like he was in immense amounts of pain and couldn't quite catch enough breath to speak. Louis felt an aching in his chest that told him this day was just about to get much, much worse.

So Louis just stood there, completely still, his hands by his sides as he watched Harry shut his eyes and breathe in deeply a few times, his exhales shaky and weak. Louis wanted to cry.

When Harry finally opened his eyes, Louis took that as his cue.

"Harry, you saw that right? You saw her kiss me? I didn't want it, I swear. I don't like Eleanor. I'd never do that to you. I love you. I swear it meant nothing, I pushed her away. I did, I swear. I love you." Louis' words were rushed and garbled and he wasn't quite sure if he was making sense but that didn't matter at the moment, all that mattered was Harry believing him because holy shit, Louis needed Harry to believe him.

Harry didn't say anything for a long moment, a moment that felt like eternity to Louis. But after a while he said, "Yeah I know, Lou. I saw it all."

"Thank God," Louis sighed, relief rushing through him. "Thank God," he repeated, his shaky knees carrying him forward into Harry's space, throwing his arms around him. Harry didn't hug back as tightly as Louis hoped, but he brushed that worry to one side for a second to really breathe in and let the comforting smell of Harry take over his nostrils.

"I'm so sorry, Harry." Louis chanted, from where his face was buried in Harry's shirt. "I'm so so sorry."

When Harry didn't reply, nor hug Louis back, he took matters into his own hands and grabbed Harry's wrist, pulling him through into the living room and forcing him to sit down on their black leather sofa.

"Harry," Louis said softly, his heart feeling like it had an elastic band around it that was being squeezed tighter and tighter because why wouldn't Harry look at him? "Harry, please," Louis said, aware that he was almost begging but his pride didn't matter. All that ever mattered to him was Harry.

Harry finally looked up from staring at his twisting fingers to look Louis in the eyes. He looked sad and defeated and just... not Harry. Louis hated it.

"Baby, what happened today? I knew you must have been upset when Zayn rang."

Harry just shrugged, taking a deep breath before saying, "Lou, I think we need to talk."

Those six famous break-up words should have clicked in Louis' mind, should have made him panic and given him an inkling of what was to come but they didn't, it was like his brain refused to accept them for what they actually meant and instead Louis was left oblivious.

"Like, about..." Louis trailed off, raising an eyebrow slightly.

"I'm not coping very well..." Harry mumbled, staring down at the floor as if he were embarrassed.

Louis scooted over to him, placing a hand on Harry's jean covered knee. At any other time he would have teased Harry about how the hole in his black jeans was now so big it could probably have its own passport, but he didn't. Bad timing and all that.

"It's just," Harry whispered. "You know I've been struggling to handle this Eleanor stuff, Lou. It's making me insecure and sad and I just... It's getting too hard. All the photos and the hand holding and just her. And I just don't know if I can deal with it anymore. It makes it hard to breathe every time I see you walk out the door."

"Okay, what do you want to do?" Louis asked, his voice barely even there but he was pleasantly surprised because he felt like he shouldn't be able to talk at all, the lump formed in his throat making it hard to get air to his lungs.

"Well, what did management say?" Harry asked, his eyes soft as he looked at Louis. Louis savoured that look for a moment, the way Harry still looked at him with a trace of love, with at least a bit of indication that they were still okay. He felt like something big was coming, like the look on Harry's face was the calm before the storm. He wanted to be sick.

"They said -" Louis choked out, his voice shaky because he just had that feeling in his gut again and he felt like this was going to push Harry over the edge. (He was right.) "They said - They said another year," Louis finally managed, watching as Harry froze spectacularly, almost as if he was made of ice.

But then he was moving again and Harry's face was full of panic. "Another year?" He said, his voice a normal strength and a normal volume but the look on his face was anything but normal. "Another fucking year?" His voice rose with every word that he spoke. "Are you kidding me, Louis?"

Louis didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to handle this. Sure, he and Harry fought sometimes but not badly, not bad enough that they weren't crawling back into each other's arms an hour later. But this felt somewhat different. It had an air of finality to it and Louis was petrified.

"I'm sorry," Louis said, his eyes pleading at Harry not to be mad. "I told them it wasn't fine, Haz, I did. But they said they would drop us from the label."

Harry stared at Louis incredulous, before shrugging off his hand and standing up from the sofa, as if he couldn't bear to be close to the older boy. Louis bit back tears.

"Harry, I'm so sorry. I know it's hard, I know it is. But please," Louis urged. "We can make it through this, Haz." He stood up, making as if he were going to walk over to Harry but the curly haired boy held up his hand to stop him from moving closer and Louis felt like he'd been punched in the gut because this could not be happening.

"I can't - I can't handle this," Harry muttered, his hands raking through his hair. "I can't... This - Shit!"

Louis just stood, feeling so helpless. "Harry, baby. It'll be fine. We can go back to management, make them change their minds."

"But they fucking won't change their minds, will they?!" Harry roared suddenly, the sheer loudness of his voice making Louis cringe back a little. "It's ripping me apart, Louis!"

Louis wasn't sure when the tears had started rolling down his face, he was normally not into showing emotion and all that crap. But he just couldn't help it, he hated fighting with Harry. Harry was his everything.

"We'll figure something out, Harry," Louis whispered, his throat feeling all closed up. Louis thought that he saw some remorse in Harry's eyes when he saw Louis' tears, but it was gone in a flash so maybe he just imagined it.

Harry let out a bitter chuckle, a harsh sound that made Louis wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend that his Harry was here, his Harry that didn't make sounds like that. His Harry's laugh was beautiful and goofy and didn't sound like it belonged to some cliché movie villain.

"Louis," Harry said, very slowly, slower than normal and that was saying something. It was as if he had never said the word before, like he was trying it out on his tongue for the first time. "Louis, you and I, we were good together for a while." His voice wasn't angry anymore, it wasn't loud. It was just... Dead. Blank. Wrong. 

Louis let out a little sob, what the fuck was happening?! "We are good together, Haz," he said, trying to smile as he put an extra emphasis on the use of the present tense.

Harry finally met Louis' eyes again, but Louis didn't recognise him. This boy looking back, this wasn't Harry. This was merely a shell of him, he looked the same but his eyes... it was his eyes that were different. Louis almost flinched at the blank look in them, it made him feel like he'd shrunk to two foot tall.

"I can't do this anymore."

That was probably the moment that Louis' heart shattered.

"We were never going to work out," Harry shrugged like what he was saying was no big deal, and Louis' mind was whirring and whirring and couldn't believe that this was happening because just that morning they were exhancing love yous and now... It had all escalated so quickly. Now it was like Harry couldn't even bear to look at him and Louis didn't understand, he just really didn't understand. "Me and you, with management and with Eleanor, it's futile. It's hurting you and it's hurting me and I think it would just be better if we went our own ways."

"What?" Louis managed to choke out, his vision blurry because of all the tears.

"I think we should break up."

Louis stared at the boy in front of him. This was the boy who cried everytime they watched Dumbo and yet he was breaking up with him and wasn't showing a trace of sadness?

But then Louis' confusion over Harry's indifference was forgotten because the words finally registered that Harry was breaking up with him and holy shit, Louis couldn't breathe, couldn't form words, could only stare and clutch at his chest with his hand like he was phsycially trying to stop his heart from hurting.

The two boys just stood there, looking at each other. And Louis suddenly thought he mught be dying because they say when you die your life flashes before your eyes and that's what was happening: Louis' life with Harry was flashing in front of him like it was projected onto the wall behind Harry and all he could do was stare. Harry crawling into Louis' bed in the X Factor house; their first kiss; their first Christmas together; exchanging I love yous; moving in; lazy Saturdays spent with Harry coming undone below him. Louis could see it all. And he detachedly realised that even if he wasn't actually dead, then his heart definitely was. His heart belonged to Harry and if Harry didn't want it anymore then it had no reason to carry on.

But then Harry was shrugging again and taking a deep breath, before starting to walk over to exit the living room. And Louis wasn't frozen anymore, realised he could move again so he grabbed at Harry's wrist.

"Harry," he choked out. "Harry, no. You don't - you don't mean it, do you?" Louis was vaguely aware that his grasp on Harry's wrist was probably verging on painful but he didn't want to let go, couldn't let go because then Harry would leave him and Harry couldn't leave him. He couldn't survive without Harry.

"I am sorry, Louis." Harry sounded so remote, his words so dispassionate, like he was claiming that they had no cheese left in the fridge. "I just can't deal with it anymore."

He ripped his wrist from Louis' vice-like grip and disappeared off into the bedroom. Louis let his legs give in and sunk to the floor, pulling his knees into his chest and letting his forehead rest on them a minute whilst more and more tears squeezed out of his eyes. Harry was leaving him.

"No no no no no," Louis whispered to himself, before springing back into action because god damn it, he wasn't letting Harry leave without a fight.

He pulled up the bottom of his t-shirt and dried his face with it, before moving as fast as his shaky legs would allow. He pushed open the bedroom door to find a suitcase on the bed and Harry ripping things off coat hangers.

"If this is about Eleanor kissing me," Louis pleaded frantically, watching in horror as Harry threw random clothes into his suitcase. "It was nothing, Harry! It meant nothing, you know that!"

"I know," Harry nodded, glancing up at Louis momentarily before tipping the contents of his sock drawer into a bag. "But I told you, Lou. I can't do this anymore."

"Harry!" Louis finally screamed, overwhelming sadness channelling into anger. "Fucking stop, Harry!"

He tripped over to the bed and grabbed handfuls of clothes out of the suitcase, throwing them onto the floor like that would stop Harry from leaving.

"Don't," Harry growled, pushing Louis away, hard enough so that he stumbled back a bit but not hard enough to hurt him. Harry picked up the clothes and stuffed them back in the bag.

Louis didn't understand how Harry just didn't seem to give a fuck. Here he was, blubbering like a baby and Harry was packing his case like was just taking a weekend away.

"Do you - do you not love me anymore?" Louis cried, subtly picking up Harry's red and black plaid shirt from the ground and hiding it behind his back. If this was happening, if this was actually really happening, he at least needed something as a reminder of Harry.

Harry zipped up the case, placed it on the floor, threw the strap of his messenger bag over his shoulder and turned to Louis. "Love is hard, Louis," Harry said and god, Louis would give so much right now to wake up and it all to have been just a bad dream. "And this love," Harry continued, "it's just too much."

And then he was rolling his suitcase out the bedroom door and Louis didn't know it was possible, but somehow he still had one more piece of heart left uncracked, one more little pang of hope in his heart that had him calling after the other boy.

"Will you ever come back to me?" Louis whispered, knowing Harry had heard him because his steps froze.

But Harry didn't turn around as he said, "M'not coming back, Louis. It's not worth it."

And Louis couldn't even watch as Harry walked to the front door, because he couldn't breathe and he couldn't see and he was well aware that he was pretty much having a full blown panic attack but he couldn't stop it so he just slid to the floor as he struggled for air and after a few moments he knew he was going to pass out and he welcomed it, he begged for it, because anything would be better than this aching in his chest telling him that the one person who really loved him didn't anymore.

And then his vision went black.

♣☼♣

When Louis came round, the first thing he was aware of was the cold wooden floorboard pressed up against the side of his face. He didn't need the memories of the past few hours to rush back to him because even unconscious, he had been aware of the throbbing sadness running through his chest.

He managed to push himself into a sitting position. His head pounded, and Louis wasn't sure whether it was because he had hit it on the ground when he passed out or just because every part of his body hurt now Harry was gone.

Louis got to his feet and felt the room spin. He knew that he should probably get a drink of water and something to eat but he had a sneaking suspicious that he would just throw it all up so he didn't bother.

He padded through to the living room, staring at where it had all happened. But after a few minutes he turned round and walked back out, closing the door behind him, nodding to himself that yeah, that room could fuck off. He was never going in there again.

He felt a relieving sense of numbness wash over him, and he encouraged it because it was helping to dilute the raw ache of heartbreak. He had never quite understood before how it was said that people can die of heartbreak, but now... now he definitely understood. 

The house suddenly felt so big and lonely, like it was him living alone in something the size of Africa. He walked back into the bedroom and slid down the wall, hanging his head since he didn't have the strength to hold it up. He tried to concentrate on his breathing that was rapidly picking up again and once he had it more under control he risked a glance to the clock that told him it was nearing two a.m..

He shrugged, it wasn't like he had to get up to do anything in the morning. He and Harry had been planning on going to visit Anne in Holmes Chapel for a few days, since they still had some time off after Christmas. But obviously that wouldn't be happening anymore. Louis vaguely wondered if Harry would go without him, how he'd break the news, whether Anne would be happy or not that Louis wasn't a part of their lives anymore. He scolded himself at that thought; Anne loved him, he knew that.

He stared at the blank wall opposite him then, thinking about pretty much nothing. He didn't even know that was possible but he didn't mind, he wished he could hold onto this feeling of nothingness forever. But the next thing he knew, the clock said it was half three in the morning and someone was knocking incessantly on the door, pulling Louis out of his numb daze.

He didn't bother getting up though, he knew if he got up he'd have to face up to reality. And anyway, if it was a murderer they'd just realise that the door was unlocked and come to kill him anyway. So he rested his head back against the wall and when he heard the door swing open and close, he patiently waited for death.

Of course, it wasn't a murderer. Far from it.

"Lou?" The distinct Irish accent called out. Louis didn't speak up, didn't know if he could. His heart hurt again.

Then white Supras appeared in the doorway next to Louis and a blonde boy was walking around him to sit down against the wall on Louis' left.

"Louis?" Niall asked quietly, and Louis found it in him to twist his head to the side.

He tried for a smile, but was pretty sure it looked more like a grimace. "Hi Niall." His voice was croaky and raw and sounded hideous, but Louis gave himself a mental pat on the back for at least giving it a go. "What are you doing here?"

Niall's face scrunched up into one of sympathy. "Zayn called me," he said quietly. "Harry's with him".

And at the sound of his name, Louis just broke. He fell into Niall's chest and started to cry hysterically, sobs wracking his body as he soaked Niall's top with his tears.

"He left me, Niall, he left me," Louis cried. "He's gone."

He waited for the words of reassurance, but none came.

♣☼♣

He didn't sleep at all. He knew that Niall thought he had, since Louis eventually quietened down and rested his head in Niall's lap. But how could he sleep when he didn't have a lanky boy to cuddle? He felt like a toddler who had lost their favourite teddy bear. Harry had been his comfort blanket, and he was lost without him.

Louis' body ached from being on the ground too long, and felt a bit guilty because Niall was snoring gently against the wall and knew he must be uncomfortable. But he didn't wake him just yet, wanting a bit of time to himself.

Louis went to the kitchen and started to boil the kettle. Nothing like a good cup of tea to rid yourself of your problems, his mum would say and even though Louis knew that a cup of tea wasn't going to bring Harry back, he figured that yeah - a cup of tea wouldn't hurt.

He went through the motions of putting the tea bag in the cup, filling it up with water, adding milk, still enjoying the numbness that had found him yet again. He found that if he tried not to think about it, the overwhelming sadness was still there but it was less intense, just hanging round in the background as his mind was blank. Normally, Louis said blank was boring. But it was quickly becoming his favourite thing in the world.

Louis chose to sit at the island in the kitchen because he always sits at the table when Harry's here. No! Louis cursed himself at using the present tense. He meant, that Harry always used to sit at the table.

"Mornin' Lou," came a sleepy Irish accent behind him and Louis turned his head to give Niall a quick nod in greeting. He was grateful for the company, wasn't quite sure what he'd do on his own. But still, he wasn't sure what his voice sounded like just yet so didn't push it. Niall would understand.

Niall poured himself his own cup of tea and sat down next to Louis at the island. A comfortable silence washed over them, neither of them saying anything for a long time. Louis focused on how he had poured a little too much milk in his tea, how it didn't taste quite right. The bad tea reminded him of someone who put sugar in his tea - mad idea, in Louis' books - but quickly rid himself of the thought.

"I don't want to leave you here, Louis, but I have to go to the studio," Niall said, finally speaking up, his eyes conveying how apologetic he was.

Louis nodded, trying to say that it was fine. He didn't even bother for another smile, knowing he would surely fail.

"Will you be okay?" Niall asked, a little line forming between his eyerbows as he frowned down at Louis, visibly worried.

And instinctively, Louis was going to reply with the normal yeah, I'll be okay, don't worry about me, but he couldn't manage the words.

Because he wasn't going to be okay.

He thought he might never be okay again.

♣☼♣

The next few days were the worst of Louis' life. He had a few moments when he got out of bed and stared at his gaunt reflection in the mirror and said to himself - I'm twenty fucking two for goodness sake, why am I acting like this? I'm pathetic! Man up! - But it didn't really work because as soon as the moment was gone he was back to sobbing in his pillow, wishing a certain curly-haired boy was there to comfort him.

He laid in bed for the majority of the next four days. Niall visited him every day, sitting with him and not forcing him to speak. He would make Louis food and give Louis a look that said eat it or I'll make you eat it. And honestly, it wasn't like Louis was trying to be dramatic or prove a point by not eating much or anything, he just wasn't hungry. Simple as that. 

He watched Love Actually just to torture himself, and that broke him out of his numb state for a while, as he spent most of the movie crying and getting through a whole box of Kleenex that Niall brought to him silently. When the tissues ran out, he used Niall's shirt instead.

Louis was fully aware that the way he was acting was neither normal nor healthy. But Harry was gone and that's all that really mattered.

♣☼♣

The first time after the break-up that Louis got some fresh air was because Niall finally had enough of Louis 'moping around' and threatened to throw Louis out into the streets half-naked if he didn't get dressed and come willingly right this minute.

So Louis did, reluctantly pulling on some sweats and a beanie to hide his greasy hair. He looked in the mirror and was taken aback by the purple bruises under his eyes, but then again he hadn't been sleeping much so he just shrugged, guessing they were to be expected.

Niall drove him to a small café near to the house and thankfully it was practically empty. Louis pushed away the memory of he and Harry sharing a muffin here once - it wasn't like he could avoid everywhere that he had been with the other boy. They'd travelled the world together, it would be impossible. 

"Louis, talk to me." Niall pleaded, after several attempts to start up conversation that Louis shot down. "I'm begging you here."

Louis took a sip of his hot chocolate to soothe his throat before saying, "What do you want to talk about?"

Niall sighed, happy that he was cooperating. "How about the fact that Doncaster lost 4-0 last Monday?"

Louis' eyes shot up to glare at the other boy. "No way," he said, narrowing his eyes but Niall just smirked and smugly took a sip of his coke, glad to finally have gotten Louis talking.

The two boys talked easily about football for the next hour or so and Louis found that a little bit of the shadow that had been hanging over him for the past few days passed. Of course, it was still there, just less overwhelming.

"Thanks for doing this, Niall." Louis said, picking at the croissant Niall had just bought him. "I know I've been an arse to you the past few days..."

"That's okay, Lou. You had a reason to," Niall shrugged, as casual as ever.

"Have you, uh... " Louis tried to swallow past the lump that had reappeared in his throat. He was starting to think of it as a good friend since they spent so much time together. "Have you spoken to him?"

Niall didn't have to ask who. "No, but I've spoken to Zayn," he said quietly. "He's been staying there for a while."

"Oh, okay," Louis nodded, understanding because Harry had always liked Zayn's comfort. "Where's Liam?" Louis asked after a moment as the thought passed through his head.

"Zayn's," Niall mumbled, eating some of Louis's croissant.

Louis felt another stab of pain. So not only had he ruined what he had with Harry, he had also split up the band. Well done Louis, he thought sarcastically.

"It's not like they're choosing sides," Niall said quickly, sensing Louis' quiet despair. "They're just..."

"S'okay, I get it," Louis whispered, staring down at his plate. It's not like he expected them to choose him over Harry anyway. Even he would have chosen Harry over himself if he could. "Can I go back to the house now?" Louis asked. He refused to call it home.

♣☼♣

As the days passed, Louis got a little better. He started reminding himself when it was time to eat without needing Niall to stay with him 24/7. He called his mum and had a small chat; she didn't ask him much so Louis knew that Anne must have called her and told her the news. Instead she asked superficial things like how the weather was in London, and Louis was grateful. He didn't want to cry anymore.

A week after the dreaded day, Liam and Zayn did swapsies with Niall and came to visit Louis whilst Niall went to see Harry. They chatted a little and Liam and Zayn played a bit of Fifa whilst Louis watched silently and they tried not to be too freaked out when Louis yelled at them for trying to go in the living room. Or, the room of hell as Louis referred to it in his mind. Not that he told anyone that.

Management turned up unexpectedly one day and Louis was forced to tell them that he and Harry were over. They didn't even hide their delight and Niall had had to hold Louis back from punching them black and blue.

"Have an ounce of fucking respect, selfish bastards!" Niall shouted after them as they left and Louis finally cracked a genuine smile after twelve days of solid frowning. And it felt good. And that was probably the moment that Louis realised he could live his life again, even though he knew it would never be quite as good without Harry.

One good thing that came out of management's visit was that they decided that since Louis and Harry were no longer an issue, the contract with Eleanor could be ended and they could blame how shit Louis looked on breaking up with his girlfriend.

Before all the media shit hit the fan, Louis drove down to Doncaster to visit his very pregnant mum and his sisters and Dan. He was smothered in love and hugs and kisses and he knew that Daisy and Phoebe were upset when he didn't want to play with them but he couldn't quite handle it just yet. He was trying, though, he really was. It was just hard when he was used to being joined at the hip with a funny, goofy boy who seemed to make the wolrd brighter. It was like he was trying to learn how to walk again after breaking your legs - painful and disorientating.

"Baby, how are you holding up?"

Louis cringed at his mum's words. The last time he had been called baby was by... Well, that didn't matter now.

"Just fine Mum," he said, adding a little smile to try and reassure her.

But Jay just rolled her eyes. "You've lost quite a lot of weight, Lou. Don't think I don't realise."

Louis mimicked her with eye roll. "Stalker," he teased, and Jay knew that meant it was the end of the conversation. She spent the rest of the week cooking large home-made meals to try to fatten him up.

Returning to London was difficult. Louis felt so at home with his loud sisters and his crazy mother; it was so hard to leave them, especially now that he felt there wasn't any proper reason he should even go back to London. Noone to go home to anymore. 

"Hey man!" Niall grinned, pulling Louis in for a hug when he arrived at Niall's flat. "Missed ya."

"Liar," Louis deadpanned, but was flattered by Niall's words all the same. "What was it you wanted to speak to me about, anyway?"

"Well..." Niall shifted nervously. "It was actually Harry that asked me to talk to you."

"Oh," Louis said, eyes wide. He tried to ignore the way his heart stuttered. "Uh... okay. How is he?"

"He's, um, fine I guess," Niall shrugged, obviously feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Niall it's fine. We're still bandmates, me and Harry. You can still talk about him to me," Louis remarked, trying to be sassy and confident even though his heart was aching again and it hurt to even say Harry's name.

"Well, there's a problem with you living in the house," Niall admitted, and Louis tried to keep a blank expression because he knew Niall was trying to gage his reaction. "It's Harry's house in the eyes of the media... So really you need to go back to your own place so Harry can move back in."

Louis felt a sudden flare of anger. So first Harry breaks up with him, and then forces him to move out of the house that they chose and bought together? How fucking unfair!

But Louis managed a deep breath and a quick, "Yeah, I understand", and he was out of Niall's flat before he could cry in front of him again. Louis was sure Niall had seen way too many of his tears recently.

Louis drove back to the house and packed his stuff calmly. He tried to tell himself that this was for the best, that it would be much easier being out of this house, because here there were so many constant reminders of Harry - Harry singing in this shower, Harry sitting on that counter, Harry cuddling up to him in this bed.

So Louis pretended that everything was fine, willed himself not to cry when he locked the door for the last time and posted his key back through the letter box with a sense of finality.

But when he got back to his own house, he realised that maybe it wasn't for the best, because even worse than having constant reminders of Harry was having no reminders, because now he had nothing to prove that it was real, that Harry had once loved him and once upon a time they had been happy together. Now all he had was an empty closet that had never held Harry's stupid skinny jeans and a bathroom that had never smelt Harry's coconut curl-taming shampoo.

Louis always forgot to buy shampoo.

♣☼♣

The first time Louis saw Harry again was at a rehearsal for the upcoming WWA tour. The recent album had been a complete smash and they had a lot of work to do. Louis had been grateful for the time off but he was actually quite excited to get back to work; it would give him something to do apart from mope around his house. He had never lived there much before and was finding it hard to readjust; he couldn't even figure out how to turn the heating on.

He and the boys were scheduled to go to the O2 arena so they could work with the stage and figure out how to use the space.

Louis pretended not to be nervous to see his ex-boyfriend (the first syllable of the word made him want to throw up), but honestly he was shitting it. How should he act? What would he wear? Would Harry notice how undeniably crap he looked, even though it had been weeks? Louis was almost embarrassed by the fact that he had lost so much weight, had such big bags under his eyes, just because of a breakup. But then he reminded himself that this wasn't just anyone he was cut up about, this was Harry. He was pretty sure he would never feel the way he did about Harry about anyone else ever, so he figured his behaviour was pretty justified.

"Lou-ehhhh!" Zayn yelled in glee when Louis stepped into the dressing room.

Louis cracked a genuine smile, one that stretched his face muscles for the first time in weeks. And it felt... yeah, it felt nice. "Alright, Zaynie?"

"Not bad man, not bad," Zayn said, clapping him on the back.

Louis withstood more hugs from Liam and Niall (although god knows how the Irish boy wasn't bored of him yet) before finally the boys moved from his line of view and there he was.

He felt his heart tug at the familiar mop of curls, the lean torso, the endlessly long legs. God, he missed Harry.

Louis finally allowed his eyes to travel to Harry's face and - oh. He looked shit, Louis realised. Harry's skin looked worse than usual, a bit spottier, a bit paler. Louis knew that happened when Harry loses sleep. His curls didn't look as bouncy as normal, his big quiff fallen down. He, too, looked like he'd lost a bit of weight, his normally skin-tight jeans hanging off his small bum. He looked exactly like Louis did.

But Louis knew it couldn't be due to the same reason: because of the breakup. Harry broke up with him after all, he had no reason to be upset. Louis felt a different pang in his chest this time, because what if Harry had something going on with his family? He couldn't think of anything else that would upset Harry enough to make him look like he did. He sincerely hoped everything was okay, Louis loved Harry's family like they were his own. And he hated seeing Harry sad, always will do even if Harry didn't love him anymore.

Harry's eyes darted up then, and the two boys' gazes met, blue meeting green for the first time in weeks. Both boys looked slightly panicked as they stared at each other in silence, but then Louis shook himself out of the daze of seeing those pretty green eyes again and managed a quick nod of the head to Harry before he ran out of the dressing room and into the corridor.

He leaned against the wall, bracing his arms on his knees for a moment whilst he got his breath back. He knew he should have at least smiled or something, but for the moment he was just happy he didn't break down then and there. He knew it would get easier to be around Harry. What was that saying?... Oh yeah, time heals all wounds. Louis wasn't sure if he believed that but he was willing to give it a try.

Twenty minutes later and the boys were already goofing around. Louis didn't know the last time he had felt this good, being around the boys always cheered him up, even if one of them was the one who had broken his heart in the first place.

"Guys, you're not doing it right!" The choreographer shouted, sounding slightly annoyed now. "Louis, can you please show Harry the second bit?"

Louis froze. Go and help Harry? Uh - no thanks. But he didn't want to seem unprofessional or petty, so instead of causing a scene he gave a stiff nod and headed over to an already uncomfortable looking Harry who was standing on the other side of the stage. The other three boys gave him sympathetic looks as he walked past.

Louis never would have expected his first words to Harry after the breakup to be: "You're not sticking your arse out enough", but hey ho, life is unpredictable sometimes.

♣☼♣

Slowly, things got a little better. Sure, it was still hard for Louis to get up in the morning, to find something worth getting up for in the morning. But he did it. And every night he got a little more sleep than the one before. All in all, it was a slight improvement. And he was glad.

Although he couldn't forget about Harry. How could he? Louis had never been overly soppy or romantic before Harry... but he was completely and irreversibly in love with the boy with the stupid curls and Louis was pretty sure that would never change.

Some nights when it was still bad, though, he almost laughed at himself as he realised how low he had fallen, how pathetically gone he was for a boy who didn't think Louis was worth the effort. Those nights when he was feeling particularly lonely, he would swallow his pride for a while and sit on one of his hands for a while, waiting until it was numb and then intertwine his fingers with his other hand, because if he thought hard enough it remotely felt like someone else was there, holding his hand, comforting him. But Louis was kidding himself. It could never compare to how Harry's hand used to feel in his, how his large palm would practically drown his own.

He cried himself to sleep yet again when suddenly the media storm hit that Harry had covered up his I can't change tattoo. Louis almost felt like another piece of himself had been ripped away. Why would Harry do that? Why would he cover up something that was so important to the both of them? Harry had many tattoos dedicated to Louis, but that one had always held in a special place in Louis' heart. Because the three simple words symbolised a big 'fuck you' to management, proving that even if the boys couldn't come out, even if they had to pretend to be something they weren't - that tattoo proved that they would never change, could never change and that was important to Louis. Like a written promise etched permanently on Harry's skin that they would always be there for each other. That their feelings wouldn't change.

But, Louis thought bitterly, their feelings obviously had changed. Well, Harry's had.

So Louis let himself cry over it for one night only then forced himself to stick the memory in a box in the back of his mind to hopefully never uncover again. He couldn't let himself pine over things that weren't coming back to him. It was futile and it would just make him feel worse than he already did, if that was possible.

♣☼♣

Harry and Louis' first proper conversation came a few days after the whole arena thing.

"Why are you doing this?" Louis whined, leaning his head against the window of Niall's Range Rover.

"Because," Niall said, rolling his eyes, "You haven't been leaving the house at all apart from that one day when you had to. And it's not healthy. So you're coming to hang out with me and the boys."

"So you're forcing me out of my nice, cosy warm house just to force me into Liam's house? Real logical, Ni."

Niall just gave him a knowing look. "Don't give me that excuse. We all know how much you hate your house, Lou."

And that shut him up. Because yeah, he really did hate his house. (Although in the back of his mind, he knew it wasn't really the house that was the issue. It was more the fact that it was lacking a lanky curly-haired boy's presence.)

"Look." Niall turned off the engine. "Stop sulking. We'll have a good time."

Louis flipped him off behind his back but followed Niall into the house nonetheless.

"Alright lads?" Liam asked in an overly cheerful tone when the two boys entered without knocking. "Niall, can I speak to you alone for a minute please?"

Louis eyed them cautiously as he went to the kitchen to fill up a glass of water. But when he heard his two bandmates hissing at each other from around the corner, he couldn't help but listen in. Sure, he may have been heartbroken but he was still a nosey bugger.

"You said he wasn't coming!" Niall snapped at Liam, who hushed him.

"I know but he rang me and he was crying again and I couldn't say no."

There was some shuffling and from the sharp sound and Liam's cry, Louis guessed Niall had thumped him.

"You're dealing with this when the whole day goes tits up," were Niall's last words before Louis heard steps coming in to the kitchen and busied himself with rinsing out the cup.

"Hey Lou," Liam said, looking uneasy. "Um, can I ask you something?"

Louis shrugged. "I guess," though he already knew what the question was going to be, and the answer was no. No no no no no. Don't make me go anyway near him unless you want me to break, please.

But when Liam asked, "Is it okay if Harry joins us?", Louis just gave a silent nod and tried not to let his eyes water. This was Liam's house after all, Liam's rules. And frankly, Louis didn't want to make his friends choose between the broken-up couple again. He knew that Liam and Zayn would choose Harry, and he didn't feel like getting kicked out of the house today. He didn't want to feel second best again. He didn't know how much more rejection he could handle.

"Okay, thanks mate." Liam sighed, a relieved smile lighting up his face before it dropped back into a frown. "Lou... uh, are you eating okay?" He asked warily, as if he was expecting Louis to bite off his head for asking a question.

In the split second Louis had to choose his answer, he felt a surge of conflicting emotions. Guilt, because he knew Liam was worried about him. Anger, because Liam should just keep out of his fucking business. But then relief, because at least someone cared enough to ask. Annoyance too, because it was a stupid question - of course Louis wasn't eating okay, he could barely keep a meal down because he was so overtired and over-sad. And finally, Louis felt embarrassed. Because he knew that he really wasn't being healthy. He hated to admit it but he had even thrown up after eating the other day. Not because wanted to, oh god of course not, but because he just couldn't handle it. It seemed like his body was drained, putting all its energy into missing someone so wholeheartedly that it was just repulsed by the sight of food.

Louis stared down at himself for a second, noting how the tie of his sweatpants was pulled as tight as possible so they didn't fall down, how his ribs were sticking out a little under his shirt. His cheeks blushed a little, he had hoped that no one else had noticed.

"Uh, yeah. I guess... I just, forget. To eat. Sometimes." Liam's alarmed face caused him to continue, "But don't worry! I'm fine, Li, I am. I just need to remind myself to cook, you know what a terror I am in the kitchen." His joke was hopeless, Louis was fully aware of that. But luckily, Liam cracked a little smile and seemed to accept it.

And Liam had no more time to question Louis because the doorbell rang and Louis quickly relocated into the games room, sourly muttering to himself that of course bloody Harry would ring the doorbell to his own best friend's house. What a polite tosser. (He didn't mean that.) He should grow some balls. (He didn't mean that either.) (He knew Harry had balls.) (He knew that very well.)

Louis perched on the edge of the sofa. Normally he would be all up for a competitive game of Mario Kart with Zayn or table football with Niall but he just wasn't feeling it today. He wasn't really feeling anything these days.

Someone shuffled into the room a minute later and Louis didn't need to look up to know it was Harry. Louis' heart was already beating a mile a minute. Harry's regular smell of distant cologne and muskiness and soap and the weird toothpaste he liked to use was vaguely present, and Louis wondered if it was weird that he was so finely tuned to Harry's smell. 

He decided that no, it wasn't weird. Why should it be weird after loving the boy for almost three years? It was normal. He could tell you everything about Harry - the way he looked like a baby squirrel when he woke up and his eyes were all squinty, how he always slipped his right sock on first, that he always throws a tissue away after the first time it touches his nose, even if it wasn't dirty. Louis knew everything about Harry, he hoped that wouldn't change.

"Hazzaaaa!" Niall boomed, running over to envelop the tall boy in a hug that to be honest, looked verging on painful. And Harry laughed, his husky goofy bark of laughter and Louis knew that if his heart wasn't broken already, then it certainly was now because the sound was so familiar, so comforting, that he almost wanted to jump off a cliff. It was like a stab to the heart with a pitch fork.

Louis didn't look over to Harry; he tried but it was like his body was plainly set on protecting itself at all costs so his eyes stayed glued to his hands that were twisting together nervously in his lap.

He wished he hadn't come. He didn't want to sit here and have to pretend to enjoy himself when his ex-boyfriend was here looking jolly and most probably achingly sexy. He wanted to be back at home with his new best friends Ben and Jerry whilst he watched P.S I Love You for the fourteenth time this month and cried his eyes out.

The other end of the sofa dipped and a hauntingly familiar voice said, "Hey Lou." The sound was low and soft and Louis wanted to punch himself, it would probably hurt less.

He forced his eyes up for a second to glance at Harry.

"Hello," he managed to choke out, hating that his voice sounded so croaky. But hey, that's what days of crying did to you.

He glanced back down after that, not wanting to see Harry smile politely like he knew he would. No point in seeing those dimples again when they would only come back to haunt him in his nightmares.

So that's how Louis sat for the next two and a half hours, perched awkwardly in the corner trying to avoid Harry's gaze. He turned down the boys' offers of a game on the PS4, hoping they wouldn't take it to heart. He just wasn't in the mood.

He also tried not to look at Harry too much. It was hard though, Harry was like a magnetic field and Louis had to physically force himself not to sneak a glance to see if the sun was casting shadows on Harry's cheeks from his eyelashes like he knew it would be.

He began chanting to himself all the words of different languages he had learned over the previous tours to try and take his mind off anything and everything Harry. It didn't really help.

Niall, Zayn and Liam eventually went to the kitchen to fight over which pizza they were going to order, and Louis cursed himself for saying he wasn't hungry because now he was stuck in a room alone with Harry. Great.

"Um, Louis. Can I talk to you?" Harry spoke up after a few minutes of frustratingly uncomfortable silence.

"Yeah," Louis almost-whispered, before clearing his throat, steadying his shoulders and raising his chin, trying to look confident. "Yeah," he repeated in a stronger voice. "Course."

"So, how have you been?" Harry asked, and Louis allowed himself a second to look at Harry properly. His green eyes were just in the right light that they looked like they had twinkly stars in them, like he was holding the whole sky in his eyes. He was wearing those stupid holey jeans again, Louis almost rolled his eyes, and a sweater that looked extra snuggly. Louis knew that if they were still together, he would probably be stealing that to sleep in. He tried not to think about Harry's shirt he had back at his house, how it had almost lost Harry's scent completely because Louis had slept with it and cried on it and worn it so much.

"Yeah, not too bad." Lies. Such lies. "How's the house?"

"Actually, that's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about." Harry suddenly looked very guilty and a little anxious and Louis thought for a second that he might have burned it down or something. "It's just, it's a big house. And I am sorry that you had to move out, it was as much your house as it is mine." Louis tried to ignore the stinging in his chest. He longed to be back in that house, even if it did hold painful memories because at least that house still had Harry in it. "But," Harry continued. "I don't want to live there anymore... It's just, it's too hard."

Louis nodded. "So... You want to sell it?" He asked, trying to smother the panic in his chest of someone else living in the house that had been his and Harry's, the first proper thing they shared.

"I dunno what I'll do yet," Harry shrugged, looking down at the floor. "But I think I'm gunna move in with Nick for a while."

Louis froze. "Nick? Nick Grimshaw?"

Harry nodded, still looking at the floor and Louis started to feel hot. He hated that guy, oh my fucking god he hated that guy so much. He couldn't count the amount of times he and Harry had argued about him because Harry didn't see the way he sneered at Louis, the dirty glances behind Harry's back. And Louis wasn't helpless, he shot just the same looks back. At the end of the day, Louis and Grimmy just did not like each other and that was that.

Louis mainly disliked the guy because he knew that he fancied Harry, and the not-so-subtle flirtatious remarks he made to Harry really grated on Louis' nerves. He had never been possessive, he was just... territorial. And he hated that despite Nick being one of the few people who actually knew about his and Harry's relationship, he still tried to get into Harry's pants.

"I just... I wanted to okay it with you first," Harry said quietly, looking up at Louis from under his long eyelashes.

Louis was beyond pissed at this point, it seemed Harry had moved on already. Did he really mean that little to the other boy? It had been a month. A fucking month and he was already over it. And then Louis got even more pissed because really, he knew he didn't have the right to be pissed at all. He and Harry weren't together anymore, it really wasn't any of his business.

"Do you have a problem with that?" Harry asked, almost looking fearful now as if he could sense Louis' inward battles. "I know you never liked him..."

Louis almost scoffed. Of course he didn't like the guy, he was almost constantly flirting with his boyfriend. Why would he like him?!

But instead of saying all this, instead of saying you know what Harry, yeah it is kind of a problem, I'm still terribly in love with you and would be happier if you went to live with Eleanor than Grimmy, instead Louis just took a deep breath.

"It's fine," he said coldly, trying to keep his eyes emotionless. "You're a big boy now Harry, you can do whatever you like."

And with that, Louis stood up.

"Think I'll be off now," he said stiffly, hoping the overwhelming sadness that was quickly taking over from the anger wasn't showing.

"Louis!" Harry called out after him, as Louis was hurrying out of the room, desperate to get away from the boy who was everything to him.

"Yes?" He didn't bother turning back around, he didn't want Harry to see the tears in his eyes.

"Will you come to my birthday? It's this Saturday."

Louis inwardly rolled his eyes. Harry didn't need to remind him of the date; he'd been planning a big romantic day for months to celebrate his boy's twentieth. A day out at the zoo, then a candlelit dinner, than a big night with all their friends round at the house.

"I think I have plans," Louis said, a lone tear rolling down his face making him grateful that he still had his back facing Harry.

"Please."

And Harry sounded so pleading, Louis could almost imagine the begging look in his wide green eyes. And really, when had Louis ever denied Harry of anything.

"Okay," he whispered, tears falling more freely now. He escaped then, rushing out the front door quickly so Harry couldn't get the satisfaction of seeing him cry.

Louis cursed himself as he pulled up his hood and started off down the road. It didn't help much though, this was London in January after all and the rain was pretty much torrential. But it washed his tears away, so Louis supposed that it didn't really matter. It's not like he had anywhere to be. Didn't have anyone to have to look presentable for. 

Louis began to shiver, soaked to the bone. He knew he should have driven himself to Liam's. He wasn't even halfway home yet, since he had subconsciously began walking in the wrong direction to Harry's house before having a slight breakdown in the street and finally heading off the right way.

But then suddenly there were headlights behind him and a beep of a horn and Louis turned round to squint into the oncoming rain, seeing his guardian angel there, in the form of a worried-looking Irish boy.

"Get in the car!" Niall shouted, and Louis was quick to obey. "Why the hell would you run off like that? Without telling us?" He demanded as soon as Louis' seatbelt was on. "I was worried sick!"

"I just -" Louis started, trying to defend himself. "I - and Harry -"

In the end he couldn't even manage a sentence, just started to cry again.

And that's why, for the probably fiftieth time that month, Louis fell asleep in his cold house, having cried himself unconscious on Niall's shoulder.

♣☼♣

Harry's birthday was just as terrible as Louis imagined it to be.

He turned up at Grimmy's flat, much to his disgust, towed along by Stan who had volunteered to come for moral support. Inside it was dark, lights flashing and music pounding. Louis took satisfaction from knowing that Harry would have preferred sometime a bit more low key, where he could sit and actually talk to his friends and family rather than the flash party Nick had thrown.

There were already people dancing and couples making out on the sofas. Louis spotted Niall and Zayn at the drinks table, Liam having gone back to Wolverhampton to see his family so wouldn't be able to make it. Stan ran over to the boys to say hi, but Louis hung back. He had already decided he wouldn't drink - he didn't think it was the best idea to get smashed and even more overly-emotional. Besides, Louis hadn't eaten all day and he was pretty sure at this point he would get drunk off of only one beer. A trip to the hospital to get his stomach pumped didn't sound too tempting.

Louis needn't have even been so worried about turning up; he didn't get as much as a glance from the birthday boy all night. He didn't even get a chance to give Harry his birthday card since Grimmy kept him involved in drinking games and animated conversations the whole time. Louis had ran out to buy Harry a new card that morning, since he couldn't exactly give him the homemade one he had already made, the one with glitter and cut-out hearts stuck all over it. Instead he picked one that said 'Hap-pea birthday' on the front, alongside some cartoon peas because he knew it would make Harry giggle. After much deliberation, he just wrote a quick 'Happy 20th birthday Harry, hope you have an amazing day and get everything you wished for. Louis'. Since he didn't get a chance to give it to Harry, he slipped it under the door of the bedroom he guessed was Harry's and hoped that Nick didn't find it instead.

He headed home at eleven, the party still in full swing and when he was home, slipped on Harry's oversized shirt as he whispered into the empty air, "Happy birthday, Haz. My baby's all grown up." He allowed himself to smile for a moment, basking in the memories of previous birthdays he'd spent with Harry. And then he burst into tears.

♣☼♣

It was a month later when Louis properly began to think long and hard about quitting the band. They had began concerts again, not proper tours just random charity events and one-offs, and everybody had started to notice the change in Louis. He wasn't the sassy, curvaceous, bubbly boy everyone had grown to love anymore. Instead he was more reserved, preferring to sit in a quiet corridor than join his friends in the dressing room. He would pick out bland clothes to wear for performances and appearances, nothing colourful, not wanting to draw attention to himself, wishing to kind of blend in to the background instead of being the one at the forefront of jokes like he had before.

And that's why Louis began to rethink his lifestyle. He wasn't sure whether it would be harder to see Harry every day or to not see him at all. He wondered whether it would be easier for the other three boys not to have to deal with the awkwardness that was inevitable every time the band was cramped into a room or a car.

Most of the time Louis felt like the kid at school who sat on his own at a table in the lunchroom because he didn't have any friends. He stopped going to sit with the boys when he realised his sour attitude was probably making them all feel like crap too.

In hindsight, Louis' biggest slip up was letting Lou Teasdale know about his insecurities about staying in the band one day whilst she was doing his hair for a TV appearance. He was starting to really hate these interviews, mainly due to the nosey hosts and the fact that there was no photoshop to cover up the seemingly permanent bags under his eyes.

So when Lou started talking about time off, Louis shrugged and casually said that he didn't know how much longer he could really stay in the band with everything that had gone on.

Of course Lou flipped and told Liam who after the interview bustled Louis into an empty storage closet with Niall and Zayn. The three boys all started talking at once, panicking and shouting over each other in distress.

"Guys!" Louis eventually shouted. "Calm the hell down!"

"You can't tell us to calm down!" Zayn snapped. "How would you feel if one of us decided that he wanted to leave the band, hey? How would you feel?!"

Louis frowned, because he really did have a point. He would be absolutely devastated if one of his bandmates, his brothers, wanted to leave.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Louis cried, flinging his arms up which wasn't a very good idea because the room was so small he almost whacked Niall in the face. "I really am! But I just don't know what to do."

The three boys' expression softened; they knew it was hard for Louis. It was obvious, just from the constant pain in his eyes that he tried to cover up with pathetic smiles and terrible jokes.

"I just..." Louis sighed, trying to stop his tears from escaping his eyes. He wondered in the back of his mind if he would ever stop crying, if one day he might just run out of tears. "I just really love him, y'know?"

Louis didn't need to cry, because the other boys started doing it for him. All three of them, stood in a closet crying - it really was quite a sight. Any other day and Louis probably would have laughed and snapped a photo on his phone.

"You know we're just sad not angry," Niall sobbed. "We love you so much, Lou. We'll miss you if you go."

"I'll miss you so much too," Louis said, his words muffled by someone's shoulder since he had suddenly been crushed by a threeway hug.

At the end of the day though, Louis decided to be selfish. He wasn't going to leave the band. Because as much as it hurt him to see Harry every day, made his heart constrict and his hands shake because he just wanted to feel the other boy's soft skin against his own one more time, he knew that he couldn't leave Harry entirely. At least being in the band meant that he still had something to tie himself to the other boy, could still say, "Yeah, Harry Styles is my bandmate" even if he couldn't say "Harry Styles is my boyfriend" anymore.

♣☼♣

Accidentally letting it slip to Lou about wanting to leave the band might have been a mistake, but it was also the best fucking thing that could have happened to Louis.

He didn't even want to think about what would have happened if he hadn't. Although he knew that somehow he and Harry would have found their way back to each other.

When the WWA tour started it had been four months since Harry and Louis broke up. Four months of pure hell, Louis thought. He wasn't sure whether he was happy to go back on tour or not. It was going to be so uncomfortable having to share a tour bus with the boy he was still pining over, but at least he wouldn't have to sleep alone in an empty house each night. He was really starting to hate that double bed. So Louis decided that yeah, he was definitely excited to go back on tour. Hanging out with his friends, amazing concerts almost every night; it was going to be great.

"Lads on tour!" Niall wooped as they climbed onto the bus. Liam, Zayn and Niall ran along to their usual bunks whilst Louis and Harry stood awkwardly in the aisle. Normally the two boys would have slept in the back lounge area of the bus, where there was a big double mattress that kind of doubled as a massive sofa, where the band would sit and watch movies and lounge about in the day, but became Louis and Harry's double bed at night. Thinking back to it, Louis didn't think he had slept in one of the actual banks... well, ever.

"Um, I guess we better decide on bunks," Louis said awkwardly, cringing when his arm brushed against Harry's. God, he missed those biceps. The way they looked when Harry hovered over him, the way they trembled as Harry reached his high... Stop! Louis cursed mentally, why did he keep torturing himself like this?

"Yep," Harry said, popping the 'p' and Louis hated how he sounded so casual, so uncaring about everything. What a dickhead.

So the two ex-boyfriends ambled up the bus to where the boys were settling back into their bunks. Unfortunately, the only two spare bunks left were two top bunks, directly across from each other. Louis ignored the butterflies in his chest at being able to sleep near Harry again.

The boys were driving through the night, so after watching Avengers with the boys Louis settled on an early night, crawling into his bunk and pulling the duvet around him. But sleep didn't come for a long time. He needed to get used to the low whirring of the engine again, that's what he said. But Louis knew he was kidding himself; he couldn't sleep because of the fact that the boy he loved was a mere four feet away, so close yet so far.

Louis felt like he was a toddler in a toy store, who'd been told he could look but not play. It was almost excruciating.

When Louis glanced at his phone for what must have been the tenth time, it was nearing half three in the morning and he just couldn't help himself anymore. So he quietly pulled at the curtain that hid his bunk from the rest of the bus, pulling it open just enough that he could stare directly across the aisle at the sleeping boy opposite him.

Harry looked so peaceful when he was asleep, his gentle breaths making the curls that had fallen on his cheek flutter. Louis grinned. He knew it should have made him sad but he was just so happy that Harry was there, even if it wasn't anything like before. With the firm knowledge that the boy was sound asleep, he could take as long as he wanted taking in Harry's features. How his lips kept quivering and almost opening, like he was talking to someone in his dream. How his feet touched the end of the bunk, because he was just so goddamn tall. How he licked those sinful lips that Louis just couldn't look away from.

Eventually Louis did close his eyes, happy with the knowledge that his boy was so close; the sound of Harry's soft breathing comforting him, soothing him into sleep like a lullaby.

♣☼♣

The night that changed everything came after a long day of interviews and then a concert. The interviewer had been nosy and rude about Louis' obvious state of slight depression, how he wasn't himself, how he'd lost weight.

Louis thought Niall was going to punch him when the man asked if Louis was pretending to be anorexic for more publicity.

More than that, Louis' twitter feed was full of the fans worrying about his and Harry's friendship. The two boys avoided each other as much as they could on stage, not dancing with each other, none of the playful bum swats like there had been last tour. The fans weren't stupid, they knew something was up.

And Louis was just so fucking fed up. He knew he was reaching the end of his tether, he knew that sooner or later he was just going to snap because he had all over this pent up emotion building up inside of him from missing someone so so badly that he could barely cope.

So when Zayn suggested going out to a club near their hotel, Louis surprised everyone by being the first to agree. He wanted to get drunk and forget about everything. So get drunk he did.

Two hours after arriving at the club and Louis was intoxicated, but not like he had wanted. He'd thought that he'd have a few beers with the boys before going off into the crowd, maybe finding a boy or two to dance with, forget that Harry existed and all that.

Instead he was sat at the bar drinking double vodka and cokes as he kept shooting subtle glances at Harry who was sat alone in a booth, staring down at his beer.

Louis was just so done by this point. Like, he was done with pining over Harry. He was done with being sad. He just wanted it to stop. But he just didn't know how to make it stop. Harry was like his moon, he had always been there for him in his darkest days and the thing that hurt the most was that Harry promised he always would be there for him except these were the darkest days Louis had ever witnessed and he was so pissed off at Harry because not only was he the one to cause them, he also wasn't there to rub his back and kiss his jaw and whisper sweet nothings into his ear like he had promised. In late night whispers when he thought Louis was asleep, Harry had told Louis that he would always be there for him, that he could never leave him, that Louis was his everything. And Louis resented him for lying, for making him feel like he was to Harry what Harry was to him when obviously he mustn't have meant that much to Harry at all.

Most of all, Louis really just wanted a hug. A Harry hug, to be specific. One of those hugs when Harry would bend down and tighten his arms so tight around Louis' waist, his long arms wrapping entirely around Louis' back and holding him close, his minty smell washing over him and overwhelming all of his senses.

Louis couldn't bear it. It felt like there was a ton of bricks on his chest and it really hurt, it really fucking hurt. He left his drink to run to the bathroom, refusing to cry in public whilst sat alone at a bar. He wasn't that pathetic... yet.

Once in the bathroom, he broke down. He slid down the wall and sobbed into his knees, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes as if that would make them stop crying. But no, his eyes kept producing tear after tear and Louis knew he was broken now, accepted it. He wanted to go back. He would do anything to go back to the time when Harry loved him and Harry kissed him and Harry looked at him with sheer fondness in his eyes. He wanted to go back to the time before Harry broke up with him because of a meaningless kiss with Eleanor, because of a shitty command from management.

He wanted to go home.

So he picked himself up from the floor, wiped his tears with the back of his hand and hoped that as he walked through the club the booming music would be loud enough to drown out his hiccups.

He hailed a cab to take him back to the hotel, holding a fist to his chest the entire drive back as if it could soothe his aching heart, even though he knew that the only thing that would actually help was the boy wearing the ridiculous scarf around his head like a practising Buddhist.

Louis smashed the lamp when he got back to his empty hotel room. He threw it against the wall - because why the hell not? It's not like that lamp mattered. Not like anything really mattered anymore, really.

And then he took a shower in his clothes because he didn't give a shit if they got wet, trying to wash away the endless streams of tears. It didn't help, though. When he got out of the cold water the only thing that had changed was that now he was shivering and crying.

So then Louis kicked the wall, just because he was pissed off at the world. And there came an annoyed shout from the person in the room next door, probably because they were trying to sleep.

But Louis just shouted back a polite, "Fuck off!", and crawled into a corner, leaning his wet hair against the wall as the tears silently streamed down his face. He guessed that he had finally used up his monthly quota of sobs, and now could only cry without sound. It was somewhat less satisfying, he numbly noted.

A few minutes later and there was a knock on the door. It was Paul, Louis guessed, coming to shout at him because of disturbing the people next door. He only answered it because this was Paul, he could probably break the door down if he wanted to.

But when Louis ripped the door open with a dead look in his eyes and tears drying on his face, it wasn't Paul. Of course it wasn't Paul.

Harry stepped into the room without asking for permission, before turning round to face Louis who slowly closed the door since it didn't look like Harry was going to leave any time soon.

"Why are you crying?" was the first thing that Harry said, sounding astounded. "You never cry."

Louis snorted, like how dare Harry have the audacity to ask that after all he had done? What a prick. "I cry a lot actually."

"Since when?" Harry raised one eyebrow, disbelieving.

Louis just averted his gaze awkwardly; he was not going to answer that question.

It seemed like he didn't have to though, because Harry let out a low sound in the back of his throat like he'd figured out, 'oh yeah, s'because I broke his heart and all that jazz'.

"Lou," Harry whispered, and Louis' heart began to ache again because for the first time in four months it really sounded like Harry cared, like his heart was aching too and no, Louis couldn't handle that. As nice at it was now, it would just make him hurt more when Harry left again and Louis didn't think his body could live through more hurt. He'd probably just keel over and die. His gravestone would have to read: Harry Styles broke me.

"Don't." Louis said stiffly, looking anywhere but Harry's sad-looking face. "Don't talk to me like that, Harry. Don't call me that. It's not your place anymore."

"But -"

"Stop," Louis demanded, taking a deep breath so he didn't start smashing things again.

"ButwhatifIwantittobemyplaceagain," Harry blurted in one breath, before staring at Louis with eyes like magnets, he just couldn't look away.

"Fuck you," Louis snarled, jabbing a finger in Hrary's direction. Louis was a volcano just ready to burst; the anger that had built up over the past few months finally bubbling over. "You think you can come in here, after breaking my fucking heart, four fucking months ago and then tell me that? You're a bigger cunt than I thought."

Harry's eyes were wide, almost comically so. "No, Lou I -"

"I said stop calling me that!" Louis screamed. "It hurts! It hurts so bad!" His breath whooshed out of him and he let out a little chuckle then, a bitter one that stabbed at his own eardrums. More calmly now, he said, "I can't.. I can't do this anymore." He laughed again, the sound making Harry visibly flunch because it was so cold, so icy and harsh. "I'm done!" Louis laughed, laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. "I'm so unbelievably done!"

Louis started pacing, not caring that he was acting like a madman in front of Harry who, by the way, was looking really terrified at Louis' outburst. Louis walked back and forth in front of the window, staring at his feet as his mind ran into overload. He felt like his mind suddenly had clarity again, like he had control of his own life.

"Finally," Louis muttered to himself, so caught up in his realisation that he basically forgot that Harry was there. "Finally, I know what to do. I do have to leave the band. It's going to be hard... Man, Niall's going to kill me. And Liam and Zayn will be sad, too, I guess. But they'll get over it. I always knew I had the weakest voice, the music certainly won't suffer without me." Louis let out a hysterical giggle. "And I can go back to Doncaster. Maybe find a little flat somewhere no one will find me. Nobody has to find me, I do fine on my own. And I'm not exactly the most good looking person in the world, especially now. So I don't have to worry about finding someone, nobody wants me anyway. At least that's one thing I can cross off the list. And I'll make sure I don't have a phone, or a television even. Isolation sounds pretty good right now. Or, maybe I'll even move away away, like a different country away an -"

"Stop."

Louis blinked, remembering that oh yeah shit, Harry was still here.

"Just stop, please stop."

Louis blinked again, only to really look and see that... "Harry, why are you crying?" He was genuinely confused at the sight of the tall boy with tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Y-you said you were going to leave the band." Harry was the one sobbing now.

Louis shrugged; no point in denying it.

"And you said you have the weakest voice." Harry cried, wiping away a tear with his fingertip only to have another one take its place.

Louis nodded, pretending it didn't hurt to see the boy he loved crying like this.

"And y-y-you said th-that you weren't good looking."

"Not even sweatpants fit me anymore," Louis pointed out with a breathy laugh, which just made Harry cry harder. Louis really, really didn't understand.

"And you said, you said that nobody wants you." Harry was full on bawling now, like, actual choked sobs leaving his mouth. Louis vaguely thought that it sounded like an eight year old girl having an asthma attack.

"Can't you see?" Harry asked when his breathing was more under control.

"I have got my contact lenses in so yes, I can see," Louis remarked without thinking. Harry let out a watery smile, and Louis was more glad than he should have been to be able to put a smile on Harry's face. It had been too long since he had.

"Can't you see," Harry repeated, not crying anymore now as he took a few steps closer to Louis. His eyes were sparkling and Louis found it hard to look away. "Can't you see that someone does want you? Can't you see that I want you?"

Louis' heart skipped a beat and he almost choked on his saliva. Warning bells were sounding in his head, shrieking loudly for him to get away, to run before he got hurt again.

"N-no," Louis managed to choke out as he frowned up at Harry. "No, I definitely don't see that. You don't want me."

"I do." Harry was still walking towards him.

"B-but you broke up with me!" Louis argued, his back finally hitting the wall. Harry halted only a metre or so from him.

"Because I thought it would be easier for the both of us, Lou," Harry said, his voice soft and full of care and no - Louis could not let himself fall for this!

"N-no, stop," Louis said weakly, his voice shaking.

"Management was pulling us apart, Louis. We were both hurting so bad and I thought that if we broke up we might both be happier. I knew I would never love someone as much as I love you Lou, but I thought at least that you might find someone better than me, someone you wouldn't have to hide with. I wanted more than that for you. I thought I was the doing the right thing."

Louis' mouth opened and closed a few times, not able to get words out. He couldn't believe this was happening. This wasn't happening. Definitely not. Maybe he was dreaming.

But Harry just kept on talking. "But then, I-I just couldn't sleep without you, Lou! Liam and Zayn had to keep taking turns with who let me cry on their shoulder and I just felt so empty without you. And then that house, our house, I couldn't live there without you. It wasn't right. If I couldn't have you then I couldn't handle the memories that that place brought back. So I moved in with Nick. But then we got in a massive argument because he basically tried to get in my pants and it was like he didn't even care that I was bloody heartbroken and I wished that I had listened to you when you used to tell me that."

Louis felt like someone was suffocating him. Harry had to be lying. This was probably just a big ploy to hurt him even more, if that was even possible.

"So I slept on Liam's couch for a while after that..." Harry ruffled his hair in the way he does, shaking it forward before brushing it to the side, and Louis let the logical side of his brain loose for a second, almost swooned like a schoolgirl. "And I acted like I didn't care, Lou, I know I did. And I know I've hurt you so badly, but please. Please God, please believe me when I say this."

Harry stared into Louis' watery blue eyes, and the older boy swore it was like he was looking directly into his soul.

"I love you."

Louis' heart felt like it was being glued back together with every word that came out of Harry's mouth.

"I love you so much, and I can't do this anymore, I can't pretend that I don't love you when I love everything about you." Harry's eyes were so sincere, Louis couldn't look away. And then Harry closed the distance between them and he was so close Louis could literally feel his body warmth radiating from that never-ending torso.

"I love your eyes and how they roll when I do something dumb," Harry said, lifting his hand to brush tenderly across Louis' cheek. And Louis couldn't help it - he tried to resist he really did but he had missed Harry so goddamn much he couldn't stop himself from leaning into the boy's touch. His cheek felt like it was on fire.

"I love you when you're in a mood with me because I snuck sugar in your tea and you go all pouty." Harry ran his thumb over Louis' lip, who gasped in response. His whole body was tingling now, like all the contact he had so desperately craved over the past seventeen weeks was all dumped on him at once and he felt like he was going to collapse.

"I love you snuggling up to me in bed. I miss it so much. I can barely sleep without you."

Louis struggled to regulate his breathing.

"I want you back, Lou," Harry whispered, and Louis had to shut his eyes because it was all too much, and he was crying again and holy crap he thought his heart was about to burst.

"Why should I believe you?" Louis croaked out, his eyes still scrunched shut.

"Because if you don't I might die," Harry said and then Louis could feel lips against his own lips and it didn't even take a second for him to respond because holy mother of god, he had missed Harry so much and he was kissing him and even though there was a voice in the back of his mind screaming at him to not be this trusting of someone who would only break his heart again, Louis didn't listen because he loved Harry so fucking much and if Harry was going to hurt him again, then so be it but he was going to get as close to him as possible whilst he had the chance.

Seconds later and tongues got involved and then hands were everywhere and Louis wasn't quite sure when it happened but somehow he was on the bed and Harry was naked and he felt like giggling because Harry was naked and oh god, he had missed this, he had missed this so much. So he did giggle, he let himself be as happy as he wanted and Harry started giggling too from where he was hovering over Louis and then they both licked the giggles out of each other's mouths.

Harry prepped Louis with some lube they found conveniently stashed away in the hotel's bathroom cabinet and then he was easing himself into Louis and Christ, he felt so full, so good and Louis was swearing and groaning and begging Harry to please move, to go faster, to please never stop.

Harry began to pound into Louis with a vengeance, hitting his prostrate with each thrust and Louis was whining and scratching down Harry's back as he was brought closer and closer to the edge. All it took was Harry stroking him once, twice and then he was spilling all over his own stomach, Harry following closely behind before collapsing on top of Louis who let out a small "oof!" due to the lanky boy now laid completely on him.

Louis couldn't be bothered to move even to clean up, perfectly content to be covered in his own mess if it meant that Harry was beside him. Every inch of skin was touching some part of Harry and that meant that every inch of skin felt like it had been sprinkled in fairy dust, his insides felt like a firework had been set off in his chest.

He had a sudden moment of panic that oh balls, he had just slept with Harry, what if that's all he wanted? What if that's all he wanted and now he would just up and leave?

So as soon as Harry rolled off him Louis rolled onto his side, throwing his arm across Harry's waist and his leg across his hip, holding tightly like a little koala bear. He couldn't let Harry go; he couldn't go through that heartbreak again.

"C'mon Lou," Harry chuckled, making him shiver with his husky voice. "Let me off so I can get a flannel to clean us off."

Louis whimpered quietly, feeling almost like he was going to cry because this was it - Harry was leaving again.

But Harry knew Louis too well, he knew what he was thinking.

"Hey," Harry whispered, tilting Louis' chin up so he was forced to look into his eyes. "I'm not going to leave you. I swear by it. I will never leave you again. You'll even have to start coming to the bathroom with me because I refuse to let you out of my sight." That earned him a weak smile from Louis. "Just need to clean us up, yeah?"

Louis reluctantly let Harry weasel his way out from underneath him but he was back in under ten seconds (Louis knew, he counted). Louis giggled again as Harry padded back towards him, fully naked in all his glory and it felt so good, Louis couldn't remember the last time he had felt this good.

He let Harry run the damp cloth over him before throwing it somewhere on the floor and re-joining Louis in bed. But as soon as he did, Louis became a bit anxious. He felt like a virgin again, not quite knowing what to do.

But his nerves were smothered by the younger boy pulling him into his arms once more. Louis let out a sigh of relief that he hadn't even realised he'd been holding and shuffled up to bury his face in the crook of Harry's neck. He couldn't get enough of him, he couldn't believe this was happening.

"Is this real life?" Louis whispered, feeling like a massive dork but not even caring because Harry's chest was rumbling with chuckles beneath him and this is all he ever wanted out of life.

"Yes," Harry laughed, "this is real life."

Louis started to cry again, but for once it felt good because at least now he knew that this would be the last time he would be crying in hopefully a very long time.

"God, I hate you!" Louis cried into Harry's neck.

"I know," Harry said with a chuckle, but when Louis pulled back Harry had eyes filling with tears and Louis brushed them away as they fell.

"Don't cry baby," Louis whispered, brushing his lips against Harry's and just revelling in how right it felt.

"I hurt you so much, I hurt you and I'm so sorry, Lou," Harry whimpered, looking away from Louis' eyes in shame.

"Harry." Louis gently pulled Harry's chin up so he had to look at him. "You did hurt me, I won't lie. These have been the worst few months of my life and sometimes I really thought I wasn't going to make it through... But I'd do it all over again if it meant that I got back here. I love you so much, I can't breathe without you."

Harry let out a shaky chuckle and wiped his wet face with the back of his hands. "You've turned into a sap since I've been gone, Lou. What on earth has happened to you?"

Louis let out a laugh, a proper laugh, one that made him feel so warm inside that he wanted to open the windows and shout to everyone who would listen that he was happy again, he had his boy again, finally.

Sure, he still had some insecurities. They still had a lot to talk about. And it would probably take some time for Louis to get over the worries of Harry abandoning him again, but Louis knew he could do it if Harry was by his side.

"That day," Harry whispered. He brushed his fingers against Louis' cheek and Louis closed his eyes, a small smile on his face at the gentle touch that seemed to convey so much love, so much emotion that Louis wanted to laugh again. "I told you it wasn't worth it. I'm so sorry for lying, Lou. Of course it's worth it. You are worth it. You've always been worth it."

Louis trailed his hand absentmindedly over the area where Harry's 'I Can't Change' tattoo used to lie, now covered with a large black anchor.

"I got this so I would always be reminded of you," Harry spoke softly, nodding down to the tattoo. "You're my anchor, Lou. You help me find my way."

"Can't live without you, Haz," Louis admitted, swallowing his regret about actually being serious for once because he needed Harry to know this. "M'nothing without you."

"I'll always find my way back to you," Harry promised, sealing it with a kiss. And just like that, everything was back to how it was meant to be. Because Harry was here. And Harry's home.

♣☼♣


End file.
